Dame Detrimentia C.E.: The Invasion of the Dwad Snatchers: (Alien 144)

Dear Dame Detrimentia,
I am a novice astrologer. Last week when I was walking in the park I passed a Dwad in full regalia. I couldn’t help staring as I have never seen anything like this before. But Dame Detrimentia, the Dwad followed me home and has taken up residence in the urn I have next to my door. Just yesterday my triplicities have begun complaining that he is lowering the neighborhood. What am I to do?
flustered in Dacamoria,

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Dear Flustered,
Oh dear! I deduce from your chart that tropical Leo embellishes your 4th house, and therefore the classical urn next to its cusp will possibly have been thrown in the precessed Leo Decan dynasty. If so, then I am very much afraid dear Flustered that you have been invaded by illegal aliens: the disreputable, dissolute and very decadent Dwad squatters! (Only a Leo Dwad would dress in full regalia during the day time.) These wanton little blighters are refugees from the sidereal zodiac and once they take up residence in a chart are very difficult to evict!

Are you aware that Dwads come by the dozen, subdivided four to an urn, between 3 decanate urns? There should be eleven more of the pesky little degenerates lurking around somewhere. Do you have more than one urn in your 4th house dear Flustered?

If you have the complete set of classical Leo urns (one Leonine decanate; one Sagittarian decanate and one decanate of the Arian dynasty) then undoubtedly they too have been infested by the full dirty Dwad dozen!

These promiscuous little creatures don’t pair up like the polarities in twos, but prefer to cohabit and reproduce in fours, which makes it very problematic when quadrupling knowing whose turn it is to do what to whom, or who is responsible for dwat’s Dwadlets.

They are amoral little blighters and so your Leo Dwad will not be alone in your urn dear Flustered but will undoubtedly be cosying up to not only a Virgo Dwad, but a Libran and a Scorpio Dwad too; with the Sag Dwad in the Sagittarian decanate urn consorting with a Cappy, Aquarian and Piscean Dwad; and the Arian in the Aries decanate urn cavorting indiscriminately with the Taurean, Gemininian and Cancerian Dwads of indeterminate gender.

Personally I blame the permissive software programmes for all this gratuitous dwadquadrupling and dwadashinanangling! Once programmed into any chart, Dwads tend to disport themselves shamelessly and with abandon, shedding their regalia and flaunting themselves buck naked in their natal two-and-a-half degrees! No wonder the Triplicities are reeling and the Dignities shocked in Dacamoria!

You must evict the profligates immediately! The correct way to eject your dirty Dwad dozen and also prevent future invasion by the remaining 144 Dwadashamsas would be to remove the decanate urns from your chart altogether. In fact, not only should you remove the Decans, but it would be advisable to eradicate the Faces too. By removing the both the Decans and Faces you deprive the Dwads of their natural ten degree breeding habitat and thus their ability to multiply by divisional and sub-divisional quadrupling by two-and-a-half degrees!
If a Dwad can’t fit that all important half-a-degree into the Terms urns, there is nothing for it but to cut it off; and there is none so cross as a Dwat with his half degree cut short!

Go to ‘Preferences’ immediately and delete every default you can lay your hands on! That should give you a nice clean chart with empty urns!

Egregiously yours,
Detrimentia (Dame C.E.; Dwad Immigration Control Consultant)

Dame Detrimentia C.E. and a Case of Cazimi, or?

Dear Dame Detrimentia,
I not long ago convented (sic) to traditional aztrologia. But I not unnerstan cazimi. Is this bull-shit to hide deep trouble? What is before combust gets consummated? I whelmed by this, but not overly. Thanks for any help.
Kazimir

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Dear Kazimir

Yes many an Astrologer has put his faith in the consummation of cazimi only to end up combusted and castrato!

Perhaps we should ask dear Dr Nostuabuk as to whether the traditional interpretation of cazimi (descriptive of a planet located within an arc of 17 minutes of the Sun’s longitude) does in fact imbue that planet with the Sun’s brilliant munificence? Or is the state of cazimi, being embraced “in the forge or the heart of the Sun”, in fact the worst state of combustion?

Bonatti only considers a planet to be cazimi when it lies within 16 minutes of both longitude and latitude with the centre of the Sun’s disc, which happens very rarely. Venus was cazimi by both latitude and longitude on 9th June 2008 at her superior conjunction behind the Sun at 18* 43 Gemini, but like you Kazimir my whelming was not overlied then either! In fact my whelming was very much undered!

What says my dear friend Dr Nostuabuk?

With kind condescension,

Dame Detrimentia (C.E.)

A Case of Hypsomata or The Disappearance of Aggie

Dear Dame Detrimentia,

I am very worried. My friend Aggie Raphobia is acting most peculiar. Whenever I go to visit her Aggie hides behind her curtains and refuses to answer the doorbell. She says she is frightened to see me whilst her Moon is at 3 degrees Taurus, but her husband says she is a hypsomaniac. What should I do?

Yours,

Worried

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Dear Worried,

I fear your friend could indeed be a hypsomaniac, which is a psychologically infectious condition caught by proximity to a light or planet which is in hypsomata, symptoms of which include hiding behind curtains. Aggie’s Moon appears to be hypsomaniacal by progression, and therefore highly contagious being in the degree of the Moon’s exaltation, which is exactly the degree of her heliacal rising when separating from the Sun’s degree of exaltation of 19 Aries.

Hypsomata literally means ‘hiding places of the planets’ and its symptoms in patients most obvious when a planet is in those degrees of the zodiac between when it becomes invisible and visible once more when in heliacal setting and rising with the Sun. Because these degrees were at one time (in 786-785 BC) considered the degree of a planet’s exaltation it is an extremely inflammatory condition and the only way to avoid hypsomania yourself is to make sure that none of your personal planets will disappear into the Sun’s rays by progression or profection when you go to visit Aggie.

Recovery from hypsomata requires a great deal of extremely expensive counselling from a personage such as my egregious self. Kindly put my contact details through her letter-box. Alternatively, she could wear a mask.

Exaltedly yours,

Dame Detrimentia C.E.
(Caroline Allen)

Dame Detrimentia, C.E.: Many Happy Returns

Dear Dame Detrimentia

My boyfriend Terry is very excited! He knows all about astrology; he wants to take me away with him for the week-end to celebrate my birthday, but says that if he does, I will be forced to return my Solar. Will I get a refund? Will they give me a new one? Terry says that if I return it in Sod Im’n Gomorrah life will be much more fun next year, but I don’t speak the language and he is on a salt free diet. Why should I return my solar, and where should I return it to? I am very worried that if I return it without a receipt they won’t exchange it!

Anxiously,
Lottie

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Dear Lottie

How thrilling! You are having a solar revolution! Every year on your birthday your natal Sun returns to the same place it occupied in your birth chart which is why your boyfriend is so excited: he wants to prognosticate on your solar return!

Where you return your Sun too depends entirely upon where you got it from. Did you discover it in a sidereal degree in your birth chart or in a tropical degree? Because if it was in a tropical degree, you may find that depending on how old you are, the Sun will not be in the same place relative to the stars when it returns on your birthday but will have moved on a bit to its ‘true’ position owing to precession.

And yes of course you will get a Sun back! The Cosmos gives a cast-iron money back guarantee that each old solar returned will be exchanged for a brand new shiny Sun in your chart, complete with freshly minted Technicolor aspects and house placements! And what is more, if you sign up for the Cosmos Service Contract you will get a totally new Sun each and every year for life! How is that for a bargain?

Such a return of the Sun to its own place marks the start of a whole new cycle for you Lottie. It will supply both you and your horoscope with a fresh charge of energy, the nature of which depends to a great extent upon the aspects received by the Sun on the day for which the revolution is cast, and upon the mundane positions of both the Sun and your current profected ruler in the new figure. Your freshly constructed solar revolution chart is simply a summation of all the transits that fall due on your birthday which have a much more potent affect than those occurring at any other time of the year. No wonder you want to go away and celebrate!

But why does Terry want to travel to Sod Im’n’Gomorrah for your Solar Return? The natives are most inhospitable, it lies on an earthquake fault, the sea is dead and frankly my dear, the brimstone tastes foul! Personally I don’t think you should go away at all, but would urge you to cash your Solar in for a refund at either your natal birthplace or your current permanent location. The exchange rate is much better for a start!

So forget about Terry’s exotic ‘week-end-away revolution breaks’. They may appear to guarantee benefics on your angles and benevolent stars in other nooks and crannies but they are just the fallacious promises of newfangled relocation agents. Because unless you stay in Sodom ‘n’ Gomorrah all year long, those relocated angles, nooks and crannies won’t butter any parsnips when living a life back home in Essex!

Revolvingly yours,

Dame Detrimentia C.E.
(Caroline Allen)

Dame Detrimentia Considers a Case of Radicality

Dear Dame Detrimentia

I am so worried. I applied for a new passport but the Passport Office turned my application down saying that because my birth chart is not radical I was never born. My boyfriend and I have booked to fly to Tetrabiblos for our honeymoon next Thursday, but if I can’t get my passport he may go without me. Please tell me what to do?

Tearfully yours,
Kylie

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Dear Kylie

I am so glad that you enclosed your horoscope as I see immediately what the problem is and I blame your mother: it is all her fault alas! Due to her downright carelessness, none of the ‘Considerations before Judgment’ were complied with at your birth.

The planetary hour ruler at the time you were born is not only not the same planet as the planet that rules your ascendant, but neither I am afraid is it of the same triplicity or even of the same nature! What on earth was your mother thinking of going into labour without abiding by these very important strictures?

Why the midwife didn’t insist on your mother holding her breath and waiting for a more suitable planetary hour I just don’t know! Or at least insist she kept her legs crossed until the hour ruler was in an angular house or aspecting your ascendant ruler; because it is only by considering these Considerations that we can then be considered fit to be born!

The hour ruler when you drew your first breath was Mars. Mars is a masculine planet, which is most unfortunate because you appear to be a girl, and therefore Mars is not the natural ruler of the matter in question – you! Are you quite sure you are not a boy Kylie?

If so, then perhaps with Mars tenanting the 5th house, you may be a ‘good time girl’? Hopefully you are, and this may be a key factor in obtaining your passport. I have oft found that susceptible officials are receptive to bribes of a Fifth house nature, and this is a distinct possibility to bear in mind when presenting your case. A planetary hour situated in a house of key importance usually ensures a radical chart, even though it isn’t angular.

Failing this, as a last resort, you may be able to prove your identity by physical description. Do you look like you? If you do indeed resemble yourself, then all that would be necessary to obtain your passport would be to enclose a recent snapshot taken of you on your rising degree, together with the completed application form ( not forgetting to disclose any relevant scars, moles or blemishes), and a signed statement saying that you recognise yourself. Otherwise I fear your only hope of travelling to Tetrabiblos next week must be pinned on that suspiciously early degree rising on your Ascendant Kylie!

An early degree rising is normally a huge stumbling block when seeking radicality unless it matches the natives age. Luckily for you though, you were indeed very young when you were born, and consequently could be said to describe that rising first degree on the Ascendant perfectly!

And so despite your mother’s appallingly bad judgment in not consulting the Considerations before your nativity, I would suggest that you submit for the Passport Offices’ consideration that your extreme youth at birth matches your early rising degree, along with the corroborative evidence that your personal appearance does indeed greatly resemble your good self. In other words, you are indeed alive, and kicking, and to prove it you are here!

Tetrabiblos is lovely at this time of the year; I used to visit dear Claudius there regularly so give him my fondest regards.

Terminally yours,

Dame Detrimentia C.E.

(Caroline Allen)